Murphy doesn't get your obsession with instagram. He doesn't get this, "oh, fuck me, I love old timey, washed effects so much that I put them on everything. It makes me artistic and feel like the special snowflake I know am" attitude. I was like, "you Murphy, whats your problem with them?" he was like, " Dude, I mean it's okay sometimes...sommmmetimes. But that shit's not Franks red hot." Then he took a 3 hour nap, pooped and ate a bug.
Also, Murphy has more important things to do than to be concerned about what Facebook buys or doesn't buy. Like sit in the sun and have jowls.
"I'm trying to stretch, get pet or just fucking lay here. Why is everyone always asking me this damn question? For supposedly being so smart humans are pretty stupid. Now leave me alone so I can sneak into the kitchen and try to get food off the counter." - Murphy.
That's really about it. There are these two pit bulls on the other side of the fence and murphy want to get at them all the time. He's all like, "Come at me, dogs" and they're all like "high pitched bark" and Murphy's all like, "BAROOOOOO, motherfuckers." Then Murphy want to dig under the fence. The other dogs stick their nose under the fence, and Murphy's like, "Oh, I should nip at that or paw at it." Then Murphy comes inside and picks up his squirrel and lays on his bed. Murphy has no respect for fences and what they hold.
I was talking to Murphy about bacon and breakdowns. We both really like these things. I started to explain Earth Crisis and the SxE moshcore movements in the Hardcore scene. I didn't really get any further than explaining what Vegan was. A lot of Hardcore are Straightedge and Vegan for those who don't know. Anyway, Murphy was like "What the crap? Choose not to eat meat? Not Even Honey? What the hell is wrong with these people?" Then he told that if I ever became vegan he would bite off my face and eat my liver. I believe him too. He is one serious hound.
Murphy actually understands this quite well. He doesn't understand is why you don't understand Misfits Awareness Month. Stop disappointing this fucking hound dog with your non-misfits knowing bullshit. it's making him sad.
They wrote a song about Murphy in 1983. That's like 23 years before he was born. Danzig fucking knew he was coming, and wrote this song called hellhound. This was before Danzig became a cat litter buying brick thrower.
Got a hellhound dog That hellhound's gonna rip your face off Got a hellhound dog That hellhound's gonna tear right through Got a hellhound born A hellhound born to the pack Got a hellhound dog And I know that I might be dead Those who seek it out Those who stand a few Hell, hell of Satan's pack We are born of hate Both feet into Hell Take another step Towards the bleeding light Those who seek it out Those who stand a few We are a part of it Got a hellhound dog That hellhound's gonna rip your face off Got a hellhound dog That hellhound's gonna tear right through Got a hellhound born A hellhound born to the pack Got a hellhound dog That hellhound's gonna rip your face off Got a hellhound dog That hellhound's gonna rip your face off Got a hellhound dog Got a hellhound born
Murphy actually understands this pretty well. However, I don't understand how one animal can stretch so many times in such a short span of time. This morning it was six stretches between upstairs and his food. 3 times in the bedroom, 1 at the top of the stairs, 1 at the bottom of the stairs and 1 in the kitchen. Usually there are a few more thrown in there.
Murphy is a sneaky son of a bitch that unfortunately will never get to feel real freedom to run wherever he wants. This is because when he catches the sent of some bitch assed cat/squirrel/hot chick/cow/raccoon... he takes off and doesn't give a hell ass crap who is calling him and what you could be offering. A treat? He is chasing the best treat! A walk? He's free bitch. An entire tray of bacon? Bacon? oh yeah, he's about to get something better than bacon. It is because of the scent drivenness that he stays on a leash or a tie up when he is not fenced in. They say this is typical in beagles and hounds, but I think Murphy has a complete disregard for authority because he a bad ass that can't be held down by rules. Anyway, Murphy does not understand tie ups.
Tie him up and within minutes he has tangled his cord or has wrapped it around something or someone and only has 1 foot of slack. He is a good dog and will just sit there and look sad until someone fixes it. Sometimes he starts walking and moving like he trying to get untangles, like he actually know what's going, but no. It just gets worse.
Murphy may not understand the tie up, but he doesn't really care about it. He is an awesome hound who ultimately wants to hang out and get his belly rubbed by everyone. He might also want to sneak over to the food and try to eat it, but that is because everything is delicious. Murphy still gives zero fucks.
"I'm color blind you ass hat. However, I would like to step in your trays, sit on your tarps and rub on your freshly painted walls. What do you mean no? Fuck this. I'm going to take a nap. chumps." - Murphy
Murphy does not understand printers. His feelings on the matter are strong, and they border on straight up hate. He really gets worked up over goddamned printers.
He's like this, "How the fuck can we make a phone order pizza, but the human race in all of it's wisdom can't make a good printer. Is all printer technology from 1988? I don't even know what fucking 1988 is? I was born 5 years ago, and it's 2011! Printers are garbage. Where is my goose? I want rip some stuffing out of something. Goddamned stupid fucking pieces of wasting everyone's time. And where is my pizza?"
He does love a dot matrix printer though. Weird ass dog.
Murphy fucking loves Judas Priest. He's always trying to rock out to British Steel or Screaming for Vengeance. I was trying to explain to him that there are people out there that don't love Judas Priest, and possibly people that have never even heard Judas Priest. He insists that "the combination of bad assed riffery and firey vocals make them one of best bands to ever grace this fine planet." I told that may be true, but it doesn't mean everyone loves them. He then told me that I had another thing coming and took a crap in the backyard.
Don't talk smack about Judas Priest or Murphy will bite you in the nards and pee in your hat.
So it's pouring, and Murphy has to pee. Open the backdoor and he takes one step out, stops and comes back in. He's like, "yo, you expect me to go out and pee in that wet ass shit? Don't play, bro. Don't play." We argue, and eventually he goes outside and pees and runs back in. This is all fine. I understand not wanting to get wet, but this only happens in the back yard. When it rains and I take him on a walk. Zero fucks are given. He's all like, "Let's do this! where are those bitch ass squirrels? how many trees can I pee on? All Of them?! Challenge accepted."
Fences just get in the way of everything he wants. Dogs, cats, jerks doing jerk ass things, squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, jerks doing stupid things, trash, mailmen, wagons filled with beer being pulled by horses, boats, beef jerky, bones, tacos, time machines, laser guns, comfy down blankets, rodents, hot chicks, race cars...you know dog stuff. Anyway, to quote Murphy, "Barooo! ruff ruff baroo" roughly(yep) translated, "Fucking this damn fence! why the hell is it here? and what the crap is here for?"
I don't think Murphy has gotten closer than 2 feet to a squirrel, but he knows he hates those little fluffy rodents. I assume it's hate. It's hate or love. He could love them so much he needs to catch them in his mouth and hug them with his jaws. Yeah, so he loves them, but I don't think he understands them.
Why are they always in trees? or near trees? or on the fence? or on a telephone wire? why aren't they down on the ground where he can get them.
These questions may never be answered.
Each morning Murphy darts out the back door to the back of the yard where there is always some jerk of a squirrel hanging in a tree. Murphy runs to leaps once, grunts at it and then takes a crap. By the time Murphy is grunting the squirrel is in another yard doing stupid squirrel things.
Maybe one day Murphy will be able to hug a squirrel in his jaws just like he does in his dreams.
