Garbage is not food

There is no way he will ever understand that garbage is not food. If it's not supposed to be eaten, why does it taste so good?

fences.

Fences just get in the way of everything he wants. Dogs, cats, jerks doing jerk ass things, squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, jerks doing stupid things, trash, mailmen, wagons filled with beer being pulled by horses, boats, beef jerky, bones, tacos, time machines, laser guns, comfy down blankets, rodents, hot chicks, race cars...you know dog stuff.
Anyway, to quote Murphy, "Barooo! ruff ruff baroo" roughly(yep) translated, "Fucking this damn fence! why the hell is it here? and what the crap is here for?"

Squirrels

I don't think Murphy has gotten closer than 2 feet to a squirrel, but he knows he hates those little fluffy rodents. I assume it's hate. It's hate or love. He could love them so much he needs to catch them in his mouth and hug them with his jaws. Yeah, so he loves them, but I don't think he understands them.

Why are they always in trees? or near trees? or on the fence? or on a telephone wire? why aren't they down on the ground where he can get them.

These questions may never be answered.

Each morning Murphy darts out the back door to the back of the yard where there is always some jerk of a squirrel hanging in a tree. Murphy runs to leaps once, grunts at it and then takes a crap. By the time Murphy is grunting the squirrel is in another yard doing stupid squirrel things.

Maybe one day Murphy will be able to hug a squirrel in his jaws just like he does in his dreams.

Things my dog totally understands: Being goddamned awesome.

Look at that. I was straight cold lampin' it on a hammock drinking the champagne of beers, and murphy was all like, "i'm getting in on that fucking action." So he hops on up and straight hangs out. He knows what's up. Staring at birds, trying to eat cats.
I would say he spends all of the day everyday thinking, "i'm a fucking badass, i'm a fucking badass, i'm a fucking badass..." but we all he know he doesn't have to. Plus, everyone that sees him thinks "look at that fucking badass. look at the badass hound. shit." It comes naturally.

This is one crucial hound.

Watch your girlfriend when he is around, or you may leave single.

Stuff my dog does understand: He wants that treat.

Seriously.

Hammers

I think we can all agree that hammers are awesome. But you know what? Murphy doesn't give a damn about hammers. He has no opposable thumbs to grip a hammer and slam down some nails to build a skateboard ramp, a dog house or even a deck...And Murphy loves decks. And maybe this is why he just doesn't "get" hammers. A useful tool used to build some of his favorite things, and he can barely grasp what hammer is.
The other day I was tossing back brewskies with Rattlesnake (that's Murphy's biker name) and we were discussing how awesome Slayer is and why Robocop is better than Avatar. Neither of us have seen Avatar, but I think we brought up some good points. On my way up to use the bathroom I stepped on a nail that was popping up on the stairs. It didn't hurt. When I got back I said, "Murphy, can you get me a hammer, so I can slam down that bitch of a nail?" he responded by looking like this,

Stock Picture.

I even asked him, "What's a hammer? What's a hammer?" He then looked like this,



He doesn't know. He doesn't care. He has more important things to do. He has to make sure he is the most bad assed hound this side of the Mississippi and the Mason Dixon. The answer to that is; yes, motherfucker. he is.

Todays edition: Things that make Murphy sad.

The Oil Spill


This doesn't need much explanation. The BP oil spill has made this grisly hound a sad pooch. Sometimes on clear, humid nights he howls in anger at the moon. When mothers hear it, they weep for their baby's future. The mighty eagle perches to shed a single tear.

Europop

You can spend all day explaining Europop to Murphy, but it won't do a damn thing. Murphy doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand. You see, Murphy has better things to do than worry about trying to understand Europop. Why understand Europop when you can lick your own wang? or howl at jerks? or chill in the sun and get ladies to pet you? Yeah, all of the sudden you wish you did that instead of trying to understand Europop.

kvlt

Under a blood-red moon in the cold waters of another world
Where winter shadows lies untouched
Where I dwell at the mountains of madness
Entering with the cold winds of funeral dust.

49% motherfucker, 51% Son of a bitch

Spanish

He's got no idea. I mean he's a fucking dog! How the hell would he understand spanish? does Murphy even translate to spanish? El Murpho, El Murphtino, El Murphesto? yeah, nevermind. Murphy translates to spanish just fine.

Adios, bitches.

why he can't sniff every dog butt that walks by.

Not much more to say. He wants to sniff all the dog's butts all the time. I mean he's a dog he wants to sniff a butt, chase something around in circles, be best friends forever. That's about it.

Money

Murphy doesn't understand money. He doesn't care about your economy or your stock portfolio. Murphy thinks your 401k is for boners because he can't make heads or tails of it because he is a goddamned hound dog. Does it smell like bacon? can he chase it? can he howl at it? No? then suck it and come back when it does.
Some jerk once tried to explain to Murphy that money was the root of evil. Murph didn't care because money makes no sense to him. Paper to get things? what? Plus, Murphy knows that the root of all evil is the heart of a black soul. A force that has lived all eternity.
Money? no. He's a dog, not queen of england.

Murphendectomy.

in the shadowed gulf of doom
Beware the cursed Cerberos
Dreaded hound who has no pity
Lies in wait and eats them up
Shakes the ends of the Earth
With barks from his three throats
Bristling snakes upon his necks
The blood of men enshrouds his coat

Mr. Murphy

Get to know Murph. This is him. He hates you.


Jaws has got nothing on this motherfucker..


It snowed a little bit this winter. Murphy sports the lumberjack look because he hates trees too.

Here he is on his porch. Watching.

March Madness

Me: Hey Murphy, who do you have in your Tournament Bracket?
Murphy: :sigh:
Then he stood up, stretched and laid back down.
Me: Seriously, murph. Who did you pick?
Murphy: .....

For Murphy March is the first time in quite a few months that he can sit on the front porch and do nothing.There is no madness in this. He moves from the ground where the sun hits, to a chair in the corner, to the red bench. In one of those places he sits quietly watching the street. There he silently waits for a dog or kids making too much to pass by, so he can jump up and howl for a moment and then lay back down. The people passing by laugh at his hound dog howl and continue on their way. Sometimes they stop to ask what kind of dog he is, or "that dog wearing a sweater?"

St. Patricks Day

My dog is a beagle hound mix. My fiance and I went to get a cat (we had temporary lapse of judgement) but instead we found this god damned hound. He is a bad ass and his name is Murphy. I wanted to name our first dog Robocop, but the ASPCA had already named him Murphy. Murphy is a good name, and Robocop's name was Murphy before it was Robocop... So it's a win win.
With a name like a Murphy you would assume he would be down with the St. Pats day. He is not, and you would be an ass for thinking that. you know what he is doing right now? Sleeping. You know what he is going to do later? carry around his squirrel, chase birds, bark at loud ass kids and other dogs that think it's okay to walk by Murphy's front porch. Murphy won't take that shit from some trifling ass dog or kids.
Murphy doesn't get St. Patty's day. To be honest I dont really get it either. it's got something to do with food and drinking, so I am not going ask any questions and put guinness in everything I make today. Murphy will do nothing differently, and he will be perfectly happy about that.

La Nouvelle Rrrrogue?

The French New Wave was a French film movement, more like an era and later a movement, that was heavily influenced by the Italians and the golden age of hollywood. Film buffs like it. Film jerks love it. Murphy doesn't understand it.
He sees their fancy editing, visual styles and the social commentary on the era, but he doesn't care. He has more important things to do.

Hound about town 2K10.

So I was about to make a new blog about my dog, when I saw two comments. It made me decide to just continue this one. There are a lot of things my dog doesn't understand, but also he does awesome things. This will be a place for all of that...Maybe. I dont know, but neither does my dog.

Motley Crüe

Murphy is a hound of discerning taste. He enjoys the good life. He enjoys the sounds of the most kvlt black metal to the most esoteric jazz. Something he hates is Motley Crüe.
The other night I was pounding some cold beers and jamming some sweet tunes with the Murphster and some Crüe came on. Now, I am by no means a big fan of this band. They have a few jimmity jams that I enjoy getting down to on certain occasions. However, Murphy does not get down with them at all. Kick start My heart came on and he starting barking and growling. He doesn't understand Vince Neil and his band of 80's hair metal dandys. His reaction surprised me because, for the most part, Murphy lives to rock...and sleep and do dog things, but he is a rocker through and through. After spending sometime thinking on my thinking roof, I have decided that it is no good. Murphy is right. The Crüe can suck it.